The darkest part of my journey...

My first outreach for help came with my overwhelming urge to hurt myself or my husband.  I had anger as soon as I opened my eyes every morning, throughout the day, and until the very moment that I went to sleep at night.  I lived with the kind of anger that made my face hot and my head throb.  I never understood what people meant by the term 'seeing red', until then.  My husband and I had disagreed earlier that evening and we went to bed angry with each other.  I was restless, not getting any sleep because my entire body hurt.   I woke up in the middle of the night and looked at my sleeping husband and wanted him to disappear.  I hurt and I believed the problems we were having was causing my anger, and my anger was causing my pain, and I didn't want to hurt anymore, and I didn't want to be angry anymore.  Somehow I began visualizing how to kill him.  Smother him? Strangle him? Bludgeon him? Burn him?

I can't describe my visions as 'plans' but I couldn't get the visions out of my head.  They felt so real that I got scared that I was doing something in person, for real, almost like one of those dreams that you can't wake up from.  I was completely overcome with fear.  I grabbed my keys and got in my car and left my house.  I drove around for hours.  I cried. I screamed. I thought I was going crazy.  I decided that I needed to be kept away from my home so that I wouldn't hurt my husband.  I drove to the emergency room at my local hospital and sat in the parking lot.  I was afraid to go in.  I was afraid to go home.  I was afraid to do nothing.  I was afraid that I lost my mind.  I cried myself to sleep in the car.

The next morning, I drove myself to my doctor's office and, over the phone in the parking lot, asked to be seen by the next available doctor, physician's assistant, nurse practitioner, I didn't care.  Truthfully, I'm not sure how the receptionist was even able to decipher my words.  I was crying so deeply that I was really sobbing more than talking over the phone.  She must have heard the panic and desperation in my voice and knew I needed to see someone immediately. The nurse practitioner asked me what was wrong. I told her the story of the night before, my fear that I was crazy and how I couldn't stop the anger and couldn't stop the tears. She gave me a depression survey verbally and before I knew it, I had every single warning sign of depression.

By the end of the visit, she had reassured me that I was not crazy and that things would get better. Diagnosis: empty nest syndrome combined with marital discord was causing severe depression. Treatment: celexa (mood stabilizer) and walk everyday.

I felt like I had hope again. Unfortunately, it was only the beginning of a long list of symptoms that had a much more serious underlying culprit.

Today, I understand that my real anger was toward my body. My body was being betrayed by its own defense mechanism and I apparently was displacing that anger in a safe place. I was blaming my husband for my sadness. How completely wrong I was. Sure we were going through a rough patch, but truly, he would never hurt me and I knew it. So my hypothesis is that I was using him as an outlet for my pain and anger knowing that he wouldn't retaliate. He would love me regardless.

Eventually the medication stabilized my moods and I was able to see my life clearer and counseling helped me see that my husband wasn't to blame for how I felt.

But at this point, I didn't understand why my body still hurt...my follow-ups with my actual doctor focused on my depression. The exhaustion, aches and pains were dismissed as lack of sleep and my inability to cope with and deal with stress. Basically I was lectured for not increasing my exercise and not eating better.

So I decided to ask someone else's opinion.

Wait until you hear what she said!

[Originally published; April 12, 2013]